Blending the Blended Family

It's been five years since Valerie and I moved in together. Five years since I met Lillian and Sebastian, who were then not yet three and two years old.

At that point, I was nothing more than a stranger to them, and I had no idea how to interact with these two little kids. There was rarely a comfortable moment for me, as I always felt I was doing something wrong with them. These weren't my kids and even though I had moved into their house, I really had no clue how to raise them, or even how to talk to them. To say this was a foreign experience would be the understatement of the century. I may as well been dropped into a strange household in China.

I'd like to tell you what a great time this was for me and for all of us, but that's just not the case. I couldn't be happier in my marriage and with my family today, but things were more than a little difficult at the beginning. For all of us.

In the beginning, bio-dad was still very much a fixture in our lives, so much so that he would come to our house to watch the kids each morning while Valerie went to work instead of her having to wake the kids and take them to him. That part stopped when I moved in, of course, but it may have been the last time he was really a dedicated father. I guess when I showed up, he no longer felt he had to be. I don't know.

Over the years, he's been less and less reliable. There is always an excuse as to why he doesn't show up, but those excuses are generally saved for the days or weeks after he disappears. On the odd occasion he actually does pick up the kids for his weekend, he coops them up in his apartment while he takes naps all day, only to return them to our house shortly after he wakes up. Most of the time, if he has them for five hours in his 48 hour weekend, he's done a lot.

More than once Valerie and I have openly wished he would just go away for good. Not having him at all would surely be better for the kids than constantly being lied to and having their hearts broken.

Last week, bio-dad announced via an unprovoked text message to Valerie that he was ready to sign the papers. He didn't want to keep being their dad. Lillian read the text before Valerie did.

Well, apparently signing over your rights as a dad isn't really a thing, at least not without an adoption. Of course, I was always going to adopt them if it ever came to it. I just didn't expect it ever would. And while I'm thrilled to be able to give these two my last name, my heart also breaks for them. I couldn't imagine ever having to try to figure out why my dad didn't want to be a part of my life. It's sickening to do that to another human being, let alone to your own flesh and blood.

He says it's the right thing to do. No, you selfish piece of crap, it's not. The right thing to do would be to put your children ahead of yourself. The right thing to do would be to spend as much time as possible, not as much time as convenient, being a real dad to your kids. And I'll give you a hint, you don't have to take 'em to the zoo or to get ice cream every day; all you have to do is show up and spend time with them. Hang out with them. Talk to them. Be a part of their lives. That's the right thing to do.

This isn't going to be easy for either of them. Of course, Valerie sat them down and explained what was going on. There were plenty of tears and both are dealing with a lot of emotion right now. Lillian stays strong on the outside, but I don't think you can just turn off a rejection like this. Sebastian has been a staunch supporter of bio-dad forever, always sticking up for him and making excuses for his behavior. Now he too has to face reality and he's always already been so emotional that adding what can only be the most difficult thing in his life will be even harder.

The process, from what I hear is expensive. It's not unlike adopting a child from outside the home, I guess. We have to go see a lawyer, Valerie and I both have to be fingerprinted and have background checks done, which is odd because she's their mom no matter what, but I guess that's the way the law is written. We also have to have an in-home study done by a social worker and there is a stipulation that the kids must live with me for six months from when we start the process. I guess they ignore the past five years. That means this process will take at least six months, but we've been told it could be up to a year. At the end of it, the kids will get brand new birth certificates that list me as their father. It will be as if bio-dad never existed, legally anyway.

The likely cost is somewhere in the neighborhood of $4000. And that doesn't even factor in the loss of child support. All in all, this is an expensive undertaking. We had earmarked our tax return to put siding on the house. Looks like that will wait another year. That's more than okay by me. The kids are a far better investment, anyway.

The other day we took the whole crew to Ft. Wayne to Build-a-Bear. Everyone had a blast of course. When it came time to fill out the birth certificates, however, we encountered a problem. They wanted the kids' first and last names. And here we were in the middle of a store swarming with happy, loud kids and suddenly we were faced with our oldest son and daughter having to choose whether to list their current last name, or the one they would be getting. They both handled it smoothly, but the moment struck me, probably more than it did them. That's not a decision any person should be forced to make, especially not at six or seven years old.

Last night they went out to play in the front yard. Shortly thereafter, they summoned Valerie to see what they had created. In sidewalk chalk, Lillian and Sebastian covered the front porch, the walkway and the sidewalk with "the Parents" over and over again.

We've come a long way in the last five years and since I got to know them, I have always considered those kids to be my own. I'm excited to be able to make it official. And I'm even more excited that both of them seem to want the same thing, even as hard as I'm sure this process is for them, and will continue to be.

A Different Kind of Writer's Block

I miss writing.

For those of you who don't know, as a hobby I spend my free time scouting and recruiting writers to join the FanSided sports network. Before a few months ago, my primary function at said network was as a writer. In order to devote more time to the non-writing stuff they need me to do, I gave up the writing.

Sure, I still have this humble forum, but I fear it has become something I never intended it to be. It's now a place where I can't write freely without worrying and over analyzing each word to see if it can be misconstrued in some way or another. People have been getting angry with me over what I write here, regardless of my intentions. This site was only supposed to be a way for my kids to look back on me one day after I'm gone, to get to know their dad and who he was; his inner-most workings.

Unfortunately, too often I've felt I need to apologize to the others in my life who also read these pages, though rarely has there been malicious intent. I guess I'm not allowed to be honest here, and if I can't do that, then there is no point. I don't want my kids getting a false impression of me.

So, I don't write at FanSided and I don't feel free to write here. But I do miss the writing.

I may have to start covering baseball again  or perhaps I can start a new site and just keep the link to only myself. Of course, then if I were to drop dead or get hit by a bus, my kids wouldn't find it, so I guess I should tell someone where it is. Maybe just my wife.

Of course, if she were to be hit by the same bus that would do no good either. But if I tell more people than were back to the problems I have here.

I guess I just wish that people who know me would realize that I am, and have always been, direct enough to address any issues I have with them. I don't often talk in code (though I am doing so right now) and I don't mince my words. I certainly wouldn't openly write a piece calling someone out without actually doing so. I mean, look at the pieces I've written about Bio-dad. Sure, I don't mention his given name, but I'm not exactly hiding who I'm talking about. And those pieces have been hyper-critical.

This is all very frustrating to me, because I don't feel I've done or said or written anything that should have been taken the wrong way; nothing I should need to apologize for. Yet I don't think I can keep writing here without causing more drama.

I don't know. I'll think on it and see what happens I guess.

Tolerance and Acceptance and the Sad Lack Thereof

"There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the DUTCH!"

It's 2013. This isn't the 1960s when the civil rights movement was taking place. This isn't the Middle East where women have virtually no rights. This isn't the Colonial days when people could be murdered on suspicion of witchcraft; a clever cover used to persecute those who didn't adhere to the strict religious code of the era.

It's disturbing to me, therefore, at a time when we have just elected our first African American president to his second term, that I seem to see more hate and intolerance than I have seen before in my lifetime.

I live the heart of one of the most proudly conservative towns in the country, at least I hope there isn't this much blind intolerance in other cities. It frustrates me everyday to see and hear the things people say about others; the judgements they make based on nothing more than the appearance of another human being. At a time in our history when we should be more united than ever, it seems the divide is instead growing.

Did you lose your job and have to rely on government assistance of some kind? Given the devastating crash of the economy a few years ago, there were and are many millions of American affected that find themselves in such a predicament. Those people are faced with the choice of accepting the help that's needed to keep their families fed or to maintain their pride and refuse the help. No responsible adult would ever allow pride to prevent their children from eating or prevent the mortgage from being paid.

Yet, everyday there is another ruthless comment on facebook from another elitist who feels the need to judge the less fortunate and complain about waiting in line behind someone using WIC coupons at the grocery store. I got into an argument online the other day when someone referred to "THOSE" persons using food stamps. The woman insisted the offensive persons had enough money for their drugs. I guess the poor guy or gal at the grocery must have rolled up a joint right there while waiting for the cashier to process the order. Otherwise, I don't see how she could have known.

Of course, she didn't know anything and her comment proved her ignorance. Clearly, her husband didn't lose his job and she didn't lose hers. She is one of the lucky ones. It's a shame she doesn't realize how lucky she is. Instead, she takes pride in smugly judging others based on their financial situation and assuming she knows their problems based on nothing but how they look in line at Kroger.

Of course, even as I expressed my shock over this woman's comment, I knew I should have probably just kept my mouth shut. If I've learned nothing from my online writings over the years, I have learned to never feed the trolls. You just can't win an argument against stupid on the Internet. There is too much of it and it's too closed-minded. You can make the most coherent argument ever; one that would win debate awards, and the trolls will keep spouting their stupid. It's like trying to reason with a screaming two-year old.

If it was just a divide between the haves and the have-nots, I could probably deal with it. Unfortunately, the chasm goes much deeper and gets much uglier.

I do my best to keep my politics out of the faces of others. I don't routinely broadcast my beliefs because I know it's annoying and it won't change anyone's mind anyway. But it made me shake my head when I saw all those Romney signs in the yards in front of dilapidated houses. People who clearly should be supporting a Democratic leader based on their economic situation were staunchly supporting a Republican. I see people blaming the president for virtually everything; most of which he doesn't actually have the power to affect one way or the other. People are using politics to cover what is nothing more than racism. They didn't vote for Romney because he was the better candidate or because he had a better plan; they voted for him because he was white. And if they tell you otherwise they are probably lying.

No one likes to admit their intolerance, not even to themselves.

Then there are those who hide behind religion and blindly hate homosexuals. This, to me, is the worst kind of stupid. I won't even get into the idea of basing your life around a collection of stories that was told and re-told, copied and translated into 100 different languages, and altered (significantly) each time a new king took control of England. To assume all that is found within that book is true is more blind faith than even the most devout among us should reasonably have.

Nevertheless, you see all the time how God says homosexuality is wrong or the Bible says it's unnatural. The Bible also says that if a woman is raped, she must marry her rapist. It also says that blended fabrics are not allowed. If we are going to pick and choose which passages to follow and which to ignore, why decide to follow the one that creates hate for our fellow man? Because I'm pretty sure hating someone because they are different than you isn't very good, and isn't that what any religion should be about? Being a good person?

The biggest frustration I have had in my adult life is dealing with people who think they should have an opinion on the lives of other people and then thinking that opinion should matter. It shouldn't and doesn't. If two men or two women want to get married, how does that effect me? It doesn't. Not in any way. Whether they get married or not, I have to do all the same things in my life every day. Absolutely nothing changes for me. So why in the hell should I have an opinion about whether or not two people should get married? I shouldn't. And neither should you.

Live and let freaking live, people. It's not about you. Get over yourselves.

I don't know if I'll ever be a great father, but I can tell you that I will make sure that my kids will be raised to be tolerant and accepting of their fellow human beings, regardless of class, race, religious beliefs, or sexual preference. To me, that's the best way I can make sure I leave this world in a better place than I found it: to raise five open-minded, intelligent adults.

Seriously, Why Don't They Play More Social Disortion?

Last year I got myself a new (to me) GMC Envoy with enough room to hold my entire family. I LOVE this vehicle. Talk about loaded, this thing even has washers for the headlights, I shit you not.

My favorite feature, however, is easily the satellite radio. The fine folks at SiriusXM were kind enough to give me a free preview month and then offered my a six month deal at just five bucks per month. This is quite possibly the best $30 I have ever spent.

Those who know me well, or at least those who knew me in college or before are no doubt aware of my musical interestes. I often wondered when I was growing up how my dad could listen to all those oldies stations playing nothing but stuff from the 60s and 70s. I guess you kind of never really evolve after a certain age, because it's now better than 20 years since the Seattle sound exploded into the mainstream, but I am still very much stuck in the Grunge era.

Granted, there are no more chain wallets, no more flannels, no more Doc Martens, but I still cannot get enough of bands like Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden. I was never a huge Nirvana fan, but I feel like they have to be mentioned here as well. Bands like Candlebox and Blind Melon were, in my opinion, far better to listen to.

And while the early to mid 1990s were certainly defined by the bands I listed above, there were many others who came to prominence during that time who were wonderful in their own rights. That's why, when I tuned in my free XM radio this past summer, I was so overjoyed at finding channel 34 - Lithium - I channel dedicated to, in their words, "90s alternative and grunge." What could be better?

Unfortunately, I have noticed a very disturbing trend over the past month or so. It seems whomever is creating the playlists for this channel has a bit of a thing for three bands in particular, as their music comes up a disproportionate amount of time. The Smashing Pumpkins, Jane's Addiction, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers all see heavy rotation on Lithium while bands like Nirvana get relatively little airplay, especially their earlier songs. I find that particularly odd since Lithium is, in fact, a song title from Nirvana's iconic Nevermind album, an album that, along with Pearl Jam's Ten, ushered in the Grunge era and announced Seattle's presence as the new Mecca of alternative rock.

Now, I never loved the Pumpkins, but I did like a good number of their songs and while Billy Corgan's voice annoys the hell out of me sometimes, I can appreciate the music. I wish they didn't play the Pumpkins quite so often, but I can deal with it and I rarely wander off to a different channel when they come on the air.

Seriously though, there is zero excuse for the other two bands to be seeing anywhere near this much airtime. I mean, is Flea of the board of directors for SiriusXM or something?

Jane's Addictions was a short-lived, but talented band that featured guitarist Dave Navarro and frontman Perry Ferrell. I don't love Ferrell's vocals, but the he and the band had a unique sound.

Bassist Flea was a brief member of Jane's Addiction, though not a member of the original lineup. JA's success came as headliners of the first Lalapalooza Tour in 1991, years before Flea became involved. Unfortunately for the music-loving world (or at least me, as I recognize I may be alone in this opinion), Flea had gotten "big" (in quotations because he's actually very short) with the Chili Peppers, who, as best I can tell, did all of the exact same things Jane's Addiction did only not nearly so well as Jane's Addiction did them. This includes, but is not limited to, songwriting.

I mean honestly, is there a Chili Peppers song in which Anthony Kiedis does not spend at least one verse simply making incoherent mouth sounds instead of singing actual words? It's as if he wrote the song and realized he only had enough to cover about two-and-a-half minutes and needed to stretch it out to four. Instead of writing another verse, he decided just to throw in some ba-dinga-dong-dangs for a minute and a half.

If you've seen the Big Lebowski, and I assume all of you have or else we are very likely not friends -- or at least shouldn't be, there is the scene where The Dude catches a cab home from Jackie Treehorn's pad and winds up getting tossed by the cabbie for overzealous complaining about the Eagles, that's pretty much me when it comes to the Chili Peppers. I mean, I hate the effing Chili Peppers, man.

They are easily the most overrated, and over-played, band of all-time.

Which is why it pains me so much that the greatest musical discovery of the past 10 years of my life is so often tainted by not only the presence of the Chili Peppers, but the ridiculous number of times they are played. I even took into consideration that I may be overreacting a bit. Surely, it only seems like they are played too often because I despise them so much that I notice it more than the number of times Filter hits the airwaves, for example. Not so. I actually predict with a fair amount of accuracy when the next Chili Peppers or Jane's Addiction song will be played. I pretty much just guess they are mandated to play one of those two bands, in particular, in every five song block at least once. I'm rarely wrong. And I hate it each time.

There is not a single Chili Peppers song I like enough to not change the station when it comes on.

So, my six month deal is up in just five short weeks and I'm sure they'll try raising the price on me. I'm totally in love with the product excepting that whole playing-my-least-favorite-band-far-too-often thing. I just hope they give the Chili Peppers their own station like they did with Pearl Jam and Jimmy Buffet and Bruce Springsteen.

I mean, the Grateful Dead have their own station and they only ever had one radio "hit." The Chili Peppers, regretfully, had many, though all of them sucked. If they get their own station, maybe I'll get to hear some occasional Lithium on Lithium. What a novel idea.

He Is Who We Thought He Was

Yeah, about that...

So, in my last post, I extolled the virtues of Bio-dad and how he had seemingly turned a corner. Not shockingly, he has reverted to old form. I've delved into the gory details far too often on these virtual pages already and frankly, this guy isn't worth the time to devote to writing about him.

Suffice to say that we'd all (Bio-dad included) be much happier and much better off if he'd simply renounce his rights so Valerie, the kids, and I can move on as the family we already are, but with matching last names.

That's really the only way this ends well for the kids.

Credit Where It's Due

I have spent a decent amount of time on these virtual pages pointing out the flaws of Bio-Dad. In the near five years that Valerie and I have been together, he has shown himself to be pretty darn close to worthless. If he's breathing, he's lying and he has made a habit out of telling the kids he's be there to pick them up, only to go days or weeks without so much as a phone call.

In fact, it's far more frequent that he doesn't show than he does. It's well past the point where we expect him to disappear; it's damn near shocking when he actually spends more than six hours a month with his kids. That is not an exaggeration.

So last week he contacted my wife and told her that he was really going to try to see the kids and spend time with them. As if it's some kind of chore. Of course, this is the same guy who also said, the last time he was going to try, that he would "give them a chance." The guy has a lot of nerve. I'm not sure what a seven and six year old have to do to be worthy of his time, but I can't imagine thinking something like that, let alone saying it. This guy is a winner.

Anyhow, so he tells her that he's planning to pick the kids up from school to spend an hour with them before he goes into work. Sure enough, to my shock, the kids didn't come home from school on Monday because he actually showed up to get them. Then Tuesday came and the same thing happened. And Wednesday. Thursday the kids came home, but he called immediately apologizing to them saying he had some errands to run and didn't make it back in time. The next day, he got them from school again.

Of course, the weekend would be different. This is a guy who actually brought them home at 1 am on a Saturday one weekend. He has prioritized his social life (drinking mostly) over his kids and he's flat out told Valerie that he has no intention of making any sacrifices in his personal life to accommodate them.

But he did, in fact, show up on Saturday and he didn't call saying he needed to go jam with his band or anything silly like that. Instead, he kept them overnight and then did the same on Sunday, taking them to school, on time, on Monday morning. If that wasn't enough, the kids spent an hour after school with him before he went to work again.

It has been just a week, but he has finally followed through on something he said he would do. I know Sebastian couldn't be happier. He idolizes that man, and I will never come close. That's not his fault and I'm not mad about it. It's just something I have to accept. The fact is that I am not the biological father of those two kids and no matter how much Bio-Dad lies or disappoints the kids, he'll always be number one.

I doubt this little phase of his will last. If he's shown anything in five years it's that he isn't terribly interested in being a dad. I hope, for Sebastian and for Lillian, that this phase becomes habit.

I just have a lot of trouble believing it will.

Here We Go Again

It wasn't all that long ago, now that I think about it, but it seems like a lifetime has passed between then and now.

I have written previously about what Dr. Suess referred to as the most useless of places: the waiting place. For a full year I was stuck there, waiting for a job at Proctor and Gamble to come through. I filled out their application and completed their online questionnaire. I waited two months to hear back from them, then went to and passed their two hours worth of tests. Another month or two passed and I was interviewed. A week later, I was informed that I'd be placed in the hiring pool, where my name would stay for up to one year. If a need was there, I would be called.

A year passed. That call never came.

It was a year that I wasted, personally and professionally speaking. I was maniacal about checking my email, badgering others in the pool (I knew of two in my same predicament) if they had heard anything. Rumors floated around about the company adding 40 jobs within a month or 60 within a year.

Nobody actually knew anything.

All I knew was that P&G was my lottery ticket. People who work there retire in their fifties. It's the kind of money that can change a life, especially for the patriarch of a struggling family of seven.

My year was up last April. In June, I lost my job at the car dealership I had worked at for the past six years. Since then I have raised my kids and looked for work that hasn't been found.

A month ago, I got an email.

Proctor and Gamble was hiring again, it said, and they had extended a special early offer to those of us who had run out of time in their pool. We would be the first group invited to apply again.

So, once again, I applied and then I completed their online questionnaire. I heard nothing back from them, not even a confirmation that they received my assessment. Not even a thanks but no thanks letter. Days into weeks into a month passed. P&G is great at leaving you twisting in wind, it would appear.

At quarter past seven tonight, I got another email. It didn't even talk about the process to this point; only directed me to see the attachment for instructions on how to schedule the test.

Once again, I'll chase the job. It's not that I necessarily even want the job at all. I love being able to raise my own kids instead of trying to find a sitter and having them raised by a stranger. But I also like the idea of getting siding on the house, getting new windows, maybe even renovating the kitchen. I like the idea of being a family that has enough money to tell my children "yes" instead of "maybe someday."

At the same time, I'm ever hopeful that my role with the network will become something more than a hobby. There are several indicators that such a dream could be reality within a matter of months, if all goes well. Imagine being able to work from home and make a decent living without having to waste a 30 minute commute or drop the kids at the sitter's house.

So, of course what will happen is that I'll wind up having to choose one over the other; it's always the way these things happen. It's like when you're single and no woman will give you the time of day, then, as soon as you're seeing someone, there are suddenly three hotties that are trying to catch your eye.

The situation will hopefully resolve itself and I'll wind up landing a job with one of the two companies. Given the speed with which P&G has moved in the past, we are still months away from anything happening there, if it ever does. Unfortunately, it's the same timetable for the network, I think.

Until then, I'll make myself comfortable, enjoy my kids, and try not to drive myself crazy wondering when, or if, I'll land one of my two potential life-changing jobs.

Sooner or later it has to be my turn to win, right?